Rule #1: Always respond to your manager’s performance review plan like it’s a love letter, even when it reads like a threat wrapped in bullet point.
Below, you’ll find the version an employee wants to send, with the real thoughts striked through: heartfelt groveling gratitude from someone just trying to hang on to their paycheck until they can update their LinkedIn, polish the résumé, and quietly plot their escape; until they can impress a VP with a TED Talk on “Authentic Alignment” and ride it to middle management glory.
Dear HR:
Subject: Performance Improvement Plan Response
Your carefully drafted PIP arrived in my inbox this morning. I value this feedback and appreciate the chance to grovel reflect.
First, I want to express my gratitude for the time and effort you and my manager have invested in this process. I can only imagine how hard it must be to gather so many carefully selected performance concerns fabrications; exaggerated b.s. criticisms and bullet-point them with such confidence. Truly, a masterclass in fictional narrative; corporate mythmaking leadership alignment.
You mention I “frequently express dissent during team meetings in a way that challenges leadership.” I believe in open dialogue and critical thinking. Apparently, critical thinking is discouraged unless it’s coming from someone whose [whose office includes a framed print of “The Future is Now”who once referred to layoffs as a ‘necessary pruning for organizational bloom’ calendar includes ‘Visioning Time’ and a recurring 3 p.m. ‘Gratitude Walk’.
Let’s talk about “Paula”. I understand she’s your “respected” and vibrant manager. She brings a distinctive energy to the office much like a shark. While I understand HR does not take sides, it’s refreshing to see how consistently you choose hers.
Also—small clarification—when I replied, “This is wildly stupid and smells like legal liability,” in response to her client email draft, I intended it to be protective of the company I love. The phrase “wildly stupid” was not about her personally. That would’ve required stronger language. Also I now understand when she publicly shamed my coworker by calling him out in front of everyone, she practices “vibrant transparency” rather than bullying.
Regarding the line item: “Displays emotional volatility” — I assume this refers to the incident when I walked out of the meeting mid-sentence temporarily removed myself from a discussion to avoid lunging over the table at her.
You’ve suggested anger management sessions. I agree. It’s important to acknowledge strong feelings and channel them productively, perhaps into more positive and compliant behavior like a flamethrower made of HR policies. I look forward to attending these workshops.
About the recommendation to “document daily achievements in a shared folder visible to management and HR”—I love this idea. Public surveillance breeds trust. Nothing says “we believe in you” like a digital leash and a performance log where I can record thrilling updates like:
8:03 a.m.: Did not scream.
2:00 p.m.: Refrained from throwing laptop across room during a team-building Zoom call.
Do I have the right format and specificity?:
- 10:17 a.m.: Typed email using indoor voice.
- 4:45 p.m.: Smiled at Paula without baring teeth.
I’m particularly moved by the phrasing in the final PIP section: “We believe in your potential and trust you will take this seriously.” That’s beautiful. Almost poetic. Like being hugged by a python wearing a name badge.
To summarize: I fully commit to pretending this isn’t punitive theater approaching this PIP with an open heart and a better attitude. You’ll find me more compliant, more positive, and more likely to smile until my jaw cramps or I develop stress eczema in alignment with our shared goals.
Thank you again for this tremendous opportunity to grow. I remain, as ever,
Under constant passive-aggressive surveillance
Until I can pivot into a consulting gig that pays triple to recycle jargon back to you.
XYZ
If you’re reading this, here’s the final chapter: HR found my unsent draft in a document recovery file. We’re now in litigation.
© 2025, Lynne Curry, PhD, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
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This is grim comedy and the kind of things perhaps many of us may wish we’d said under similar circumstances. PIPs are masked/cloaked conditions parading as performance areas that can and should be improved, but too often the stretch to the required improvement is to large and the window of time to accomplish it in, too small.