Question:
My boss thinks he’s the smartest person in the room. He’s not. He’s just the most arrogant.
Here’s the problem. I like my job. I care about the work. There’s even a version of my boss I admire. He’s charismatic and knows how to sell himself and his ideas to senior management.
But working for him is exhausting. He talks over people. He dismisses ideas that don’t come from his own mouth. If someone disagrees, he treats it like a personal challenge and belittles them. If I push back even a little and he doubles down, raising his voice and turning the room into a stage where only his opinion matters.
It isn’t just that he’s difficult; it’s what these confrontations do to my brain. In the last three months, I’ve begun rehearsing sentences before meetings and shrinking my view to make them more palatable.
My friends and family tell me to quit, but I don’t want to. I want to stay in this job without losing my confidence or my self-respect.
Answer:
When you work for someone who needs to be the smartest person in the room, your goal isn’t to win. It’s to protect your dignity and sense of self while doing good work.
You’ve described a specific type of boss: charismatic, confident and allergic to being challenged. He mistakes dominance for leadership and disagreement for disrespect. This combination may impress the leaders above him, but it turns everyday collaboration into emotional whiplash for the employees below.
The hardest part of what’s happening comes from the way it changes you. You’ve started rehearsing sentences before meetings. You’re editing yourself in real time to avoid setting him off. Over time, this becomes exhausting and corrosive. It chips away at your confidence and teaches you to doubt your own voice. way at your confidence.
Avoid power struggles
When someone equates disagreement with disrespect, every discussion becomes a contest. And in those contests, the boss almost always “wins,” even when he’s wrong. Not because he’s right, but because he controls the power. Let go of the need to prove you’re right or to win the argument. It only feeds the dynamic.
Learn from what your boss does well
You don’t have to like your boss to learn from him. Pay attention to how he frames ideas for senior leadership. Notice which phrases land and how he packages confidence. Use his strategies without adopting his swagger.
Ask nonconfrontational questions
If you want to influence your boss’s thinking and the decisions he makes, ask questions that feel collaborative. Thoughtful questions disarm defensiveness. They surface risks and unintended consequences without triggering a power struggle. Try: “What do you see as the biggest risk here?”; “How do you want this to land with the team?” and “What would we do if that assumption changes?”
Don’t challenge him alone.
Before high-stakes meetings, compare notes with colleagues you trust. When multiple people raise similar concerns from different angles, it stops sounding like resistance and starts sounding like perspective.
Protect your sense of yourself
Document your work. Save emails. Keep a private record of what you’ve contributed and what you’ve delivered. When your confidence starts wobbling, these facts help anchor you to who you are and what you have achieved.
Also, stop expecting validation from someone who is constitutionally incapable of giving it; that’s like asking a cactus for a hug. Your boss’s inability to acknowledge your value is not a not a reflection of your worth.
Know when to stop living with this.
Some bosses grow. Others calcify. If none of these strategies change the dynamic and you find yourself shrinking week by week, it may be time to step away—not in defeat, but as an act of self-respect.
© 2025 Lynne Curry, PhD, SPHR, SHRM-SCP
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This is another excellent subject and discussion on handling it. But it goes beyond that.
Within this you’ve included a true gem for LIFE IN THE WHOLE! And the way you couched it should literally be a bumper sticker for most any challenging situation in life.
“Document your work. Save emails. Keep a private record of what you’ve contributed and what you’ve delivered. When your confidence starts wobbling, THESE FACTS HELP ANCHOR YOU to who you are and what you have achieved.”
I believe this is one of the most profound and emphatic statements I’ve read, it is well and succinctly stated. It needs to be posted in all offices, everywhere! And it should be in schools.
All too often being ‘personally shaken’ is the gravest fault that exists and undermines the ability of all too many people to continue on their personally-successful journey! The ‘bully’ – be it boss, mate, instructor, whatever – that is beating on them is a random slice of their life. If it is undeserved, they should be able to ‘prove it to themselves’ by their own documentation.
It is necessary, though, that you are truly honest about your performance. Egoists are not going to prevail if they use this approach.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to step back and take a moment to review MY situation to reaffirm that “I’m okay!” It’s you who is/has the problem. And, while I’m subject to your ugliness and stupidity, I don’t have to own it.
What an absolutely terrific comment; facts and soul can connect us to who we are.