Supervisor Confessed His Romantic Feelings for Me

Question:

Three weeks ago, my supervisor confessed he had romantic feelings for me. He had misinterpreted my friendly gestures and thought I reciprocated his feelings. The whole situation made me uncomfortable, but I couldn’t figure out what to say that wouldn’t hurt his feelings. So, I lied. I told him I was in a relationship.

Since then, I’ve felt increasingly uncomfortable at work. Before that I’d enjoyed working closely with him on projects, and occasionally eating lunch together.

Now everything he does leaves me uncomfortable. When he brought me a latte and muffin from the coffee cart last week, I didn’t know what to say. In the past, I would have thanked him, but I don’t want to do anything that makes him feel he has a chance with me.

I didn’t want to go to HR because that would have made a bigger deal of this than it deserves, but now I feel that I have to. I’ve been looking for a new job, and although I asked the interviewers not to call my supervisor, one of them did.

Now my boss is paranoid because he knew I loved my job before he said anything. He isn’t talking to me anymore, just emailing me assignments, and it’s tense. What do I do?

Answer:

Your supervisor’s actions are a big deal because they made you decide to leave a job you loved and have created a tense working environment for you. He crossed a boundary and could partially fix this by realizing you were his employee and thus off limits. He needs to stop compounding the problem by treating you like a leper.

Because you didn’t invite this mess and may want to stay with your company, ask HR for help. Let them know you didn’t consider your boss’ confession sexual harassment and had hoped he could interact normally with you moving forward.

Tell them that since that doesn’t appear possible, you’d like a different position and supervisor or a hefty severance check and positive letter of reference enabling you to find a new job.

HR will likely breathe a sigh of relief, given how reasonably you’re presenting the situation. To protect yourself, call your city or state’s equal rights commission and outline what’s happened. Their services are free to you, and they can protect you from anything that might go sideways in this situation, such as HR thinking you’re making up a story or your supervisor trying to spin this situation differently to escape consequences.

Finally, given the power differential between supervisor and employee, your supervisor showed bad judgment, so you may learn your company’s decision is to ask you to remain and him to leave.

© 2020, Lynne Curry

Lynne Curry is the author of “Beating the Workplace Bully” (AMACOM, 2016, https://amzn.to/30V5JO6) and “Solutions”, https://amzn.to/2GYlnAN (both books are rated 4.8 out of 5 stars on Amazon.com). Send your questions to her at lynnewriter10@gmail.com, visit her @ www.communicationworks.net or follow her on twitter @lynnecurry10.

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2 thoughts on “Supervisor Confessed His Romantic Feelings for Me

  1. Lynne–wise comments. This sounds creepy, and I have seen situations like it depicted on various TV shows, as well as experiencing lower-key versions of this on LinkedIn and other “social” media. It’s upsetting, dangerous, and very difficult to get the person to realize they’re delusional and their feelings really aren’t returned.

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