Which one sentence pitch for the novel do you like better?
- Jess turns her back on romance, but when a perfect man tempts her, she falls hard until she realizes he’s a dating-site scammer and she becomes the huntress.
- Jess turns her back on romance, but when a perfect man tempts her, she falls for the future he promises until she realizes he’s a dating-site scammer and she becomes the huntress.
Do you have any tweaks/edits to suggest? What do you like about either?
Here’s the pitch paragraph; what are your thoughts?
Human Resources manager Jess Cassidy, recovering from the death of her fiancé and carrying the baggage of a prior bad marriage, buries herself in work—handling workplace bullying and supporting employees battling cancer and domestic violence. After her best friend urges her to post her profile on an Internet dating site, Jess finds herself targeted by a dating site scam artist. Using all her HR skills, Jess turns the tables and becomes the huntress.
My writing assistants and I thank you for your thoughts:)
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Human Resources manager Jess Cassidy, despondent over the death of her fiancé and a prior bad marriage, turns her back on romance.
When a perfect man tempts her, she falls for the future he promises until she realizes he’s a dating-site scammer and becomes the huntress.
(or “depressed by”)
I like the second one, sounds like a good read!
Lynn–the pitch paragraph is great. As for the one-sentence pitch I like the first one because ti’s more direct and shorter–and it grabs me! Looking forward to your book coming out!
Suz & Larry, thanks!
I prefer the more detailed b. pitch. I also prefer the more generic term “hunter” over “huntress” but I may be alone in rejecting all the woke emphasis on gender in terminology.
Love your assistants. I have a gang of three monitoring me from the floor.
Excellent point: hunter does sound more inclusive as many women (my nieces) identify as hunters.
Suggested Versions
a. Despite deciding to cut romance out of her life, professional woman Jess unexpectedly falls hard for Mr. Right only to discover he’s a dating-site scammer. That’s when Jess proves just how empowered a woman can be.
b. Jess has turned her back on romance, until she meets the perfect man online. Discovering he’s a scammer, she makes overturning his schemes a personal mission for her own sense of justice.
Do you have any tweaks/edits to suggest? What do you like about either?
Here’s the pitch paragraph; what are your thoughts
Recovering from the death of her fiancé and carrying the baggage of a prior bad marriage, Human Resources manager Jess Cassidy buries herself in work—handling workplace bullying and supporting employees battling cancer and domestic violence. After her best friend urges her to post her profile on an Internet dating site, Jess finds herself targeted by a dating site scam artist. Using all her HR skills, Jess turns the tables on this villain and finds a new sense of her own power to control her world.
I like the pithiness of them all but don’t like the term “Huntress.” It seems to turn Jess into the villain.
Jess turns her back on romance, but when a perfect man tempts her, she falls hard until she realizes he’s a dating-site scammer and she becomes the huntress.
Jess turns her back on romance, but when a perfect man tempts her, she falls for the future he promises until she realizes he’s a dating-site scammer and she becomes the huntress.
Lynn, I prefer the first one. Something about “…she falls for the future he promises…” just doesn’t quite sit right for me.
Also, for either one, I’m bothered by the unbroken transition from the first part of the thought/statement to the last – the lack of a break between “…she falls hard_until she realizes…” or “…she falls for the future he promises_until she realizes…”.
In either case I think there needs to be some kind of a pause – a hyphen or ellipsis or something before the word “until.” A short interruption there lets the reader know something important is coming, or at least that there’s ‘change in the air.’
great comment, thanks!